


We Are Both

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 14:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12608652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: You are so many different people that you no longer know who you are. You are Kara Zor-El, you are Kara Danvers and you are Supergirl. You are all three of them and, at the same time, none at all. In the end, you are nobody.





	We Are Both

You are crazy. Insane. There are many words to what you are, but perhaps that is the one to describe you better. Your insanity, however, is not apparent. You know how to hide it behind a too wide smile and innocent blue eyes. You do not want anyone to find out, after all. No one can know, not Alex, not Eliza, not Winn, not James, not Maggie, not J'onn. You cannot let people know.

Alex may be the hardest to fool – she knows you too well, or thinks she does – but she, like everyone else, does not notice. How could she? Your sister does not know what it is like to have a split mind; she does not know what it is to sleep without knowing who you will be the next morning. You do not try to explain to her, you do not tell her, because Alex has taken care of you since you came to Earth, put you before herself, and now she is finally happy. You cannot take that from her – you refuse to take that away from her. You do not want her to know what it is lying so much that you do not know what is true anymore.

You, therefore, remain alone with your own insanity. You discover that there is a name for your state. _Dissociative Identity Disorder_. You do not feel comforted by finding out what your problem is. That only serves to add a new person to who you are. Besides everything, you are someone mentally ill too. You do not have to be more than you already are. You do not know if you could stand being someone else.

You are so many different people that you no longer know who you are. You are Kara Zor-El, you are Kara Danvers and you are Supergirl. You are all three of them and, at the same time, none at all. In the end, you are nobody.

You are an alien, the last child of Krypton; the only one who lived in the planet, the one who truly is left to carry with a culture that will disappear with you as soon as your day to perish comes – and that day will come, you expect it to come. You are also a human, first an assistant and then a reporter, someone seemingly helpless and innocent, a mere disguise for what lies hidden beneath the skin. You are a hero, or at least that is what they tell you. However, what kind of hero fails to save people as you do? You can still remember every person you lost. You can remember Astra, you can remember Kelly, you can remember Mon-El and you can remember all the other people who died because you failed.

You are an alien, you are a reporter, you are a superhero and you are a disappointment.

You are tired.

You never thought you could find someone who understood you, not until you found Lena Luthor. Lena, like you, is more than one person. She is a Luthor at its finest and yet she is not. There are times when you do not know who looks at you. You remember how she looked at you as she was about to launch the missile with the Medusa virus – you will probably never forget how you heart broke as you thought she allied with Lillian – and you remember the broken look on her face when she chose to save you instead of Jack Spheer.

Lena is many different people, and you find that you love each one of them. You will never say that to her, probably – you would never dare to risk the friendship you have built with her, even if your heart breaks as you remember that you will never be more than her best friend.

Next to her, you can be every version of you. You can be an alien – she finds out easily; she is a genius, after all –, you can be a reporter – she inspired you to be one, right? – and you can be a hero – her life is in danger too often, more than you would like.

Therefore, you would never be able to risk losing her, losing every single person she is. _Your_ Lena is an orphan, she is a genius, she is a CEO, she is compassionate, she is cold, she is a Luthor, she is warm and she is someone you love. You, however, know that she will never love you, and you try to deal with it as much as you can until it becomes impossible.

Lena meets Samantha Arias, and everything becomes _so hard_ , because Samantha Arias is everything you are not. She is a complete person, a sane person, someone who knows who she is. She is not a _deranged_ mess like you. She would be good for Lena; you know that, even if it hurts you to admit it.

You are an alien, you are a reporter, you are a hero, you are a disappointment and suddenly you are a broken-hearted girl, too. You do not know how many different people you will be able to be before you break completely, before someone can see a crack in your mask of happiness, before even the brightest of the smiles is not enough to hide how much your mind is eating on itself, making you completely _mad_.

You are that too. You are a madwoman.

Maybe it is that same insanity, that same lack of control, that makes you attack Lillian Luthor. She kidnaps Lena – _again_ –, and you vision is completely taken over by the red hatred when you find the CEO, bloody on a metal surgical table. You turn to the Luthor matriarch, who looks at you with a satisfied smile, and you cannot control yourself.

You are several different people, and now you are a killer, too.

There is no significant consequence for your action. The DEO hides any involvement of yours in Lillian Luthor's assassination, after all your involvement would have untold consequences, beginning with the increase in intolerance already existing against the aliens. You let Alex take the blame for what you did, and you let Lena lie for you, you let her confirm the story the DEO created. You have always been a liar, after all.

There was, however, a significant consequence for what happened that day. Samantha Arias – you learned to simply call her Sam when, through Lena's influence, you became friends – helped you locate Lillian Luthor, escorted you to where she was. Sam cared for Lena, after all. However, there, you realized she was not as perfect, as sane as you thought. That is the moment you get to know Reign. You lost control of yourself, and you did not have the right to judge Sam for the same thing happening to her.

Sam is gentle, easy-going and caring. She is a good friend to you and a good friend to Lena – a better friend than you are, you are sure. She is a great mother, and a wonderful person. Reign, however, is dangerous, unstable, uncontrolled, violent. Reign is confused and asks you questions that you do not know how to answer. Reign is someone that your father created, a part of Sam that Zor-El put there. Reign is a Worldkiller.

You watch helplessly while, slowly, Sam disappears. You wonder if someday it will happen to you, if some part of you will stand out from the others, if someday you will be just one person. You do not know if you want to be Kara Danvers, or Kara Zor-El, or Supergirl, or anyone at all, but it does not matter now. You have other worries.

You do not like it when Reign stays. You had always preferred Samantha, and you know Lena shares that feeling. There is, however, nothing you can do. Among of all the people you are, you are Supergirl, and you need to protect the Earth, even from someone who has become one of your best friends.

You, therefore, are too distracted with Reign to notice the changes in Lena. You do not notice the frequent headaches, the abrupt changes in behavior, the times when she becomes another person entirely, right before your eyes. You do not realize until it is too late, until you see that bright green symbol on her forehead. Because that is what Lillian did to Lena, turned her into one more of a person.

Lena is an orphan. She is a genius. She is a CEO. She is a Luthor. She is the person you love. She is also Brainiac now.

You curl up in bed at night and cry with the memory of the green eyes that do not recognize you anymore, the memory of that shiny symbol on her forehead – the symbol that makes it undeniable that your best friend, the woman you love, is no longer there, that she is gone.

However, Sam – no, _Reign_ – is your biggest problem right now. Lena – _Brainiac_ – disappeared altogether, but the Wordkiller is still in National City, and she still wants to kill you. She does not resemble the Samantha Arias you knew. The easy, sincere smile was never present, completely replaced by an expression of hatred that you may deserve. Your father did that to her, after all, and you failed to save her.

You are an alien, you are a reporter, you are a superhero, you are a disappointment, you are a broken-hearted girl, and you are a failure, too.

You fight her, and every punch she strikes against you is a relief. Physical pain helps make you forget about emotional pain, even if only for a moment. Because, at such a time, you are still Kara Danvers, Sam's friend; you are still Kara Zor-El, the daughter of the man who did this to her; you are still Supergirl, the hero who needs to stop her. Every part of you is in conflict, and again you do not know who you are. Maybe you will never find out. Maybe you would rather be nobody.

You fight Reign until you see her start to disappear. You see Sam again, because, while the two of you were fighting, Lena returns to National City. She is different, she does not look like the woman you admire, the woman you love. She looks at you with cold green eyes that do not recognize you, and an emotionless face that you do not recognize.

Sam also realizes that, and only then do you realize that Sam feels for Lena the same as you feel, and that it is strong enough to make her overcome Reign in face of the return of the woman you both love. However, Lena does not show any sign of recognition at the sight of you or Sam. Lena does not exist anymore, and it is Brainiac who looks at you with those green eyes that make you melt inside. You hate him for taking Lena away from you.

You are forced to fight against her, against the woman you love, who is not exactly the woman you love anymore. Sam is also forced into the same situation, and during the fight you realize she is not exactly the Sam you knew – she _is_ Sam, but she is still Reign; she is both. Maybe it is okay to be more than one person, you conclude while she helps you stop Lena.

You are Kara Danvers, you are Kara Zor-El, you are Supergirl, and you force every part of you to fight Lena Luthor, because you owe it to her. You know how much she has always been afraid of turning like her family, and you promised to protect her from everything – you never thought you would need to protect her from herself, from something Lillian put _inside_ her.

You fight her for longer than you can realize. She is much stronger now, as strong as you are, and she is capable of hurting you, she is capable of hurting Sam. You hesitate, Sam hesitates too, but Lena does not.

You are Kara Danvers, you are Kara Zor-El, and you are Supergirl. Sam is Samantha Arias and she is Reign. Lena, now, is only Brainiac. You want her to be like you, for her to be more than one person, because you want Lena Luthor back, even if Brainiac also has to stay.

You do not know exactly how it ended up like this. You can see through your blurred vision the city around you, destroyed by a fight between three too powerful beings. You can feel the pain that fills every part of your body, and you can feel the blood dripping from the wounds that even the yellow sun's radiation cannot heal. You also know that Lena is down a few feet from you, and you know that Sam is in the same situation. None of you is in good condition, and perhaps none of you three survive.

You are Kara Danvers, you are Kara Zor-El and you are Supergirl. The woman lying to you right is Samantha Arias, and she is Reign. The woman lying to your left is Lena Luthor, and she is Brainiac. You three are almost dead.

You lose consciousness when DEO agents arrive on the scene. You hear Alex shout your name, but you do not have enough strength to answer her.

You wake up several days later, according to what you are told. Sam is already awake, and she is _Sam_ again, although Reign is still present in her gaze and in her posture, in her behavior. Reign has become an integral part of her, and you are just happy to have your friend back.

Lena, however, has not awakened yet, and Alex tells you that she cannot take from her the Brainiac part that Lillian had put there. When Lena finally wakes up, she is more than one person, as she has always been. She is a Luthor, but still she is not, and she is also Brainiac. You see how she acts, how she changes behavior abruptly, but you get used to it. You love Lena, and are capable of loving every part of her, even Brainiac.

Over time, you see that Sam becomes accustomed to being more than one person. Sometimes she is Samantha Arias, sometimes she is Reign, but most of the time, she is both. Lena also adapts to her new reality. She is Lena Luthor, she is Brainiac, and she can be both at the same time. You begin to get used to your madness, to accept that you will never be a single person, and there is nothing wrong with that. You accept that It is not madness, it is merely who you are.

You are an alien, you are a reporter, and you are a superhero. You are Alex's sister, Eliza’s daughter, and friend of Winn, James, Lucy, Cat and J'onn. You become best friends with Sam and you become Lena Luthor’s wife. You become the mother of the twins Lorelai and Lorraine Luthor. You are so many different people, and that is okay with you. Among all the people that you are, you are a happy person.

You are Kara Danvers-Luthor, you are Kara Zor-El, you are Supergirl. You are happy like this.

**Author's Note:**

> What the hell did I just write??? O.O


End file.
